Just need to vent

 I know normally I use this space to process my feelings with a bit of poetry. 

But I don't feel especially poetic right now. 

It's been a long day- full of people doubting me. 

If you've been following along on youtube or reddit, you know that this morning when I was taking out some trash a feral cat actually leapt into my house. 

My cat (Luna, aptly named, don't you think?) leapt into action faster than a motherfucking bullet. 

She was like a demon fresh from hell, yowling and shrieking as she repeatedly leapt on that bitch-ass intruder. 

She chased him all across the yard tearing fur out by the clumps from that other cat. Now I didn't want my cat to get injured, so I tried to split them up. Obviously I used a broom so I wouldn't get mangled between two hell-creatures. 

I finally got Luna inside, and discovered she was bleeding. 

Now two things come from this, 

1: I want to kill that fucking stray. If I can figure out how to trap it, then it's as good as dead. 

2: Luna needs a visit to the vet. Apparently cats can get injuries that don't show up very well through their fur- and what's worse- they are very likely to get infected. 

Obviously, as a Werewolf fan, I must openly admit canines are the best pets. But... We have a feline. And I love her. 

I keep playing worst case scenarios in my head, what if she needs surgery, what if her foot needs to be amputated, what if she dies?

I know if I get her to the vet early tomorrow morning she will be okay. That's what I have to believe, otherwise... I don't know. 

I wish I had called out of work today to get her to the vet sooner. 

Which brings me to the other thing ricocheting around inside my skull: WORK FUCKING SUCKS

It's retail, and my boss thinks everything is so serious and important. Today after I clocked in I got a write up. For too many unexcused absences. 

The truth is I called out a bunch of times last week, so I could put in the hours on my youtube channel. 

Some people are saying that was dumb, but everybody knows you'll never succeed if you don't make some sacrifices and take some risks. 

In any event it was worth it, I'm especially proud of what I've done with the channel. I know I can still get better at editing, but even as it stands- anyone who watches my videos will definitely be impressed by the quality of my content. If they're actually willing to admit that to themselves. 

When work wrote me up, I couldn't help thinking about how good it would feel to just fucking quit. Then down the line when the channel is really taking off, I could come back and rub their fucking noses in it. 

The thing is I know my job is a dead end. I'm not going anywhere. I've asked about promotions and they pretty much let me know there's no chance. Which is frankly idiotic. I know I'd be the perfect manager. But it'll never happen. I'll just be a grocery boy, stocking shelves and ringing transactions for the rest of my fucking life. 

Pitiful.

UNLESS I make this channel succeed. That's why I can't give up. 

More than my own happiness demands success. 

More than anything, i want my wife and kids to be proud of me. I want them to look at me and think, "That's my dad, he's a genius to make such a great channel" or "That's my husband- he's not a loser at all, he's a youtuber!"

My wife isn't a bad person. But I can read her like a book. She's ashamed of me. Ashamed that I'm doing the same job I was when we met. She's ashamed that I dedicate all my time to a hobby that so far never paid. 

When everything falls into place, I'll shower what I made myself into and she'll like me again. She'll be proud of her man, instead of embarrassed. 

I can't give up, because giving up is basically telling her I'm content to be nothing. A nobody. 

You know what, I feel moved again. I'm going to just try a poem, and we'll see how it comes out: 

Wolves never give up! a poem by John Wier

Hunger- salivating maw

the wolf runs on, across the withering valley

Foam at the muzzle, spit in his beard

he presses hard, after the heard

the bull in the rush, he grunts and he groans

the calves run in the middle- never alone

But the wolf watches with a sharp eye

When the first opportunity stumbles, he passes it by

the bull is at the head of the stampede, 

why settle for less, the wolf picks up speed

Coming in close, he smell's the bulls fear

He gathers his strength and pulls himself near....

One mighty leap, and where will he land? 

With his claws forward and his fangs bared

the goal he holds will never be spared

His hopes cannot flee, they're trapped underneath

when he crushes his prey, so red in his teeth

Success!

and what could ever taste better?