The Wierwolf's Dream

    Yesterday I found myself in a shit storm. Literally and figuratively. The baby shat all over my arm, a bunch of clean laundry, and the floor. 

    I panicked when it happened, and yelled for my wife. She came upstairs, freaked out about me interrupting her zoom meeting, took the baby and then stormed away. 

    I was overwhelmed and scared that the baby might be sick. And I was pissed that she was making me clean it all by myself when I was so obviously at my wits end (in hindsight, she actually helped a ton by taking the baby. I was just to caught up in shock to realize or appreciate at the time). 

    I made the idiotic mistake of posting about it on r/amitheasshole... 

    I accept the point of the sub is to find judgment on whether I was an asshole. In some ways I was. BUT then these fuckers on there started slandering me about being a bad dad. They dug all the way into my post history, and every little complaint I said about my youngest son they threw it back at me. They started flooding my private chat, my inbox, and every post I've made- even my youtube channel- to tell me that I'm a cringey weirdo for liking werewolves, that I should delete all my media, that I'm a terrible father, that I should leave my kids so they'd be better off... 

    I'm not proud to admit it but I broke down pretty bad last night. I was trying to make a video to respond, but the baby needed feeding half way through. There I was feeding him, caring for him, and loving him- and these awful things were floating around in my head. 

    I tried to finish the video, but I was crying too hard to wear the mask, so I had to aim the camera away from my face. You can see how pitiful I was last night:

    I'm too old to cry myself to sleep, that shit is not fair. 

    Overnight, I had an amazing dream though. 

    I had a dream I was a werewolf. You're probably thinking, "John, you love werewolves, you must have that dream all the time!" 

    No.... If only I did! It was the first time I've had a werewolf dream since the baby was born- and I felt powerful, strong, resilient... important. 

    I was in a huge empty room, and there were doors in and out of the room. Freddy and Kyle were in there with me, and we were sitting together, waiting on the floor. 

    Then people started pouring in through the doors, they were shouting and cursing, and I stood up and got between the mob and my kids. 

    When I got in front of the kids the mob started to shout even louder, they were all shouting different things at once. It sounded like a hail storm. and I yelled back at them- but my yell was this devastating snarl- almost like the bark of dog, but louder than thunder. 

    That's when I realized I wasn't human anymore. I looked down at my hands, the skin was thick and tough. There was hair all across the backs. My fingers were long and clawed, I raked the air in front of me in awe. 

    I couldn't see my face, but I knew I had a werewolf's snout, I could feel the fangs with my tongue- it was so vivid!

    And the craziest thing was I could smell the crowd's fear. I don't know what fear smells like in real life or even if it has a smell. But in the dream I could. It smelled like gasoline mixed with bleu cheese. 

    I snarled again, and crowd flinched and winced backwards. 

    They started to cry out, "You're a monster, you're not safe to be around your kids- you're dangerous!" 

    I barked back at them- it didn't sound like words anyway. But I meant "SHUT UP!" Most of them did, and a bunch ran away. But one really big guy in the front came charging over, I could tell he wanted to take the kids away or possibly even hurt me. 

    I flexed my claws, and felt the blood pumping through my wiry muscles- my whole arm felt like it was gushing with power. 

    I was going to kill him if he took another step, I was going to slash his throat out with my hand. 

    Then my alarm went off before anything happened. When I woke up I had no claws. No fangs. All I had was a flabby gut, weak hands, and a tear stained pillow. 

    It was just a dream. The power I felt in there was false.

    In reality I'm a 30 year old man with no friends, who works a shitty retail job, and now might be losing his only hobby because of stupid shits on the internet. 

    I had to get Kyle up and ready for school. But all I could do was lay there. I didn't have any tears at that point, but I also didn't have a scrap of energy. I felt like I'd been drawn and quartered. In the early hours, where the light is kinda cold and half-assed, it's easy to feel useless. 

    It's easy to feel better off dead. 

    Maybe I was hoping to find some support, maybe I'm a stupid idiot who's a glutton for punishment... but I went and checked reddit. 

    I found out that some miserable fuck sent me a message (the picture up top) actually trying to convince me to kill myself. As if that thought hadn't already crossed my mind. 

    But my dad left when I was a kid- I know how bad it hurts to grow up without a daddy. I'm not EVER going to leave my kids- and I'm never going to hurt them. They are the most important thing in my life- and every body suggesting I live or die... YOU are suggesting an evil thing. 

    My kids need me, so I'm sticking around. 

    But it's hard to keep my head up when I've got literally hundreds of people telling me I'm trash. They're trolling me everywhere but here, I feel my journal is my last place where I can be accepted. But that's only because nobody reads it. 

    A handful of people sent me messages telling me to hang in there. I appreciate the rare messages of support and encouragement. I appreciate the messages from other parents who can relate- and I'm 90% sure the hate is coming from people who aren't parents and have no idea what it's like. 

    Maybe they're bitter about the way their mom or dad treated them, and they want to make themselves feel better by shitting on me? Either way, I'm better than they are. I'm not going to give up on my kids.

    I'm not going to delete my channel, OR MYSELF. I'm going to be here for my kids, always. 

I know my poetry isn't very good, but I feel it will help me cope, so here's this: 

HONESTY, by John Wier

His arms tense, his claws grow long. 

His eyes clench tight, his lips tremble.

"Kill yourself, you stupid little bitch!"

Why would you say that?

"... Mainly to scratch an itch."

What do you mean?

"It feels good to hate, now let me shovel more shit on your plate."

What's wrong with you?

"So much, lol, you haven't got a clue!"

What. the. fuck. do. you. want?!

"I want you to feel useless like me- I want to see you bleed!"

The wolfman looks down at his claws, he grinds his fangs.

There are no more laws, he's ready to deliver some pain. 

One eye on on himself, the other on that dumb-fuck's head

One of them is going to wind up dead. 

-A poem by John Wier