The Wierwolf Howls- poem and journal entry

In the cold dark... a lonely wolf howls. 

Only wind howls back. The haggard beast scowls. 

Every sinew aches, but he's too low, he must go higher. 

He must climb, push his muscles through the fire.

He is old, he is weak and he is starved to the bone. 

The wolf will not survive another winter alone. 

The world's grown dim, though his sight was once so keen. 

He needs to go higher, he yearns to be seen.

He tastes the air, up here the scents are bolder- 

the breeze carries the miles... it also grows colder.

Harsh icy stones, his paws are beginning to bleed- 

but he climbs the cliff! To be seen is his need.

Against the raw of the earth he pants and he heaves. 

Higher yet! Ice grabs his fur... his body will freeze. 

Stumbling, dragging his belly through the snow, 

nose to the wind and he knows which direction to go.

He hauls his frozen body right up to the brink,  

and here at the end of the his life the wolf starts to think.

But The Thought is far to heavy to bear...  

What if they heard and just didn't care?

No, he is a wolf and his howl is still true. 

He trusts that a pack will hear, that's all he can do.

He draws a mighty breath, and cries out to the sky... 

Not even an echo, yet he holds his head high. 

Up here the world can here him, he must give it his all. 

But howl after howl, and his cry begins to grow small.

When he was young in the valley, his heart was full of fight,  

but up here on the mountain he sees all in a brand new light. 

And he knows there are others, but none are for him,  

and he knows he preferred the valley where it was dim.

The wolf's legs tremble, and he falls in a heap.  

He claws his way forward for one final leap. 

-Poem by John Wier

Hi,

My name is John Wier (more on my nickname later, but first things first). I'm a 30 y/o man. A father to two boys. Kyle is my oldest he's basically a mini me, and we're partners in crime- always tormenting his poor mother. My youngest, Frederick, is a very fussy, very difficult baby. 

The kind of baby who cries just to cry. 

I love him because he's mine, but he the sound of his voice scrapes away every ounce of my patience. 

That's why I'm starting this journal. I know nobody's ever going to be interested in reading this, but the writing might be helpful. I'm thinking maybe it will help me cope. Since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, I figure why not talk to myself about it, just to process things.

And right now the baby is wearing me ragged. 

Luckily, my wife never seems to run out of patience for Freddy.

Unlickily she never seems to have any patience for me. And I suspect the obvious: it's because she's using every ounce of her will to be good to the baby. 

I'm thankful in a way. But in another way, I'm desperate for some kindness from her. 

The truth is I'm lonely. It hurts to even admit that, as a married man I'm so lonely. But it's the only truth I have. 

It gets bad sometimes, to the point where I beat myself up over it. (Not in that way, get your filthy mind out of the gutter!). I mean I beat myself up emotionally. I getting to thinking, and then I wonder... Would I get more affection from my wife if I were better looking? If I were smarter? If I were a better man? 

The trouble is I don't know how to be a better man. I don't have any skills or strengths. I'm less than mediocre at most of the things adults should be good at. Other than being a dad, I don't really have a single thing to be proud about. 

The only person in the world who admires me is Kyle. But he's a five your old child and simply doesn't know better. 

I have one thing I get excited about though, and that's werewolves- in movies, books, games...

Some people live vicariously through sports- I live vicariously through werewolves. The only difference between me and sports fans is: sports fans have each other. They can share their joy, and energy. They can give each other acknowledgment and regard.

Because of my love for werewolves, I've been collecting werewolf merch for years.

I don't know anybody personally who I can share my enthusiasm with. My wife says werewolves just aren't her thing. I can't fault her for that. But it's the only thing I have, and I want to feel like my hobby is valid. 

I decided yesterday, I might as well share my collection with others, through review videos. I hoped that maybe I could connect with similar minds. I hoped that people might notice me, at least for a little while. 

I threw together a youtube channel, and uploaded my first review:

I know the editing kinda sucks. But I thought it didn't matter because I must have been kidding myself if i thought others would bother watching anyway. 

Then the impossible happened! I still can't really believe the responses I got. I'm trying not to let it go to my head or anything, but the first video has only been up for a day and a half and it already had 43 views! 

It still feels awesome to say that! I know 43 is nothing compared to the for-profit youtubers, but I'm not a business, and this isn't my job. I'm damn impressed that I had 43 different people give my video a bit of attention. I know only some of those people probably watched the whole thing... But the crazy thing is I've also got 5 subscribers! 

That means at least 5 people watched my video and decided I was interesting enough to follow! 

I'm grinning ear to ear writing this, and I can't even stop! Anyway, it feels great!

And on top of everything else, I also had some really great responses from people on reddit! I found a sub (basically, the perfect sub, r/werewolves) and mentioned my review channel on there. 

A couple people loved the idea, and one person (u/strikeskunk) pointed out that my last name can be a perfect nickname: "Wierwolf"! I fucking love it! And I'm ashamed I didn't think of it myself but grateful that they did.

I also connected with u/The_Eerie_Red_Light, who also runs his own werewolf review channel! I didn't know anything else like mine existed, but I'm thrilled to know I'm not in this niche all by myself. It feels really good to know that there are other people with similar minds out there. 

Yesterday was a good day. And for the first time in a long time I feel energized and optimistic. 

And I think I'm gonna keep writing in this journal. It felt great to flesh out thoughts I didn't really want to acknowledge. 

If anybody happens to read this stuff, go ahead and reach out! I won't bite!

-John "Wierwolf" Wier